Adult Or Child?

I have counselled many married couples. I have the sense that one often expects that a "wife" or a "husband", as the terms would seem to imply, are mature and competent and fully-formed persons. But to treat her or him as such may damage a marriage. I counselled one married couple where the husband said: "She must just pull herself together!" as if she were fully competent to do so. It wouldn't do of course to treat one's wife or one's husband as a child, yet in an important sense they need that. In the sense that they could do with being helped sometimes, with the warmth and care that one would have for a child.