‘I'll Kill Him!’

This one is not for sensitive readers. A woman called me up to say that she wanted to see me. Her husband had taken to drinking again. “If he walks in drunk,” she said, “I swear I’ll kill him!” I said, “Is an hour soon enough?” Yes, she said, soon enough. Ten minutes later she called me again. She said calmly, “He’s lying downstairs in a pool of blood". I went over, and she was nowhere to be found -- but her husband was in a distressing condition, on his back -- surrounded by a pool of blood. A security guard had popped an eye back into the socket. How he knew how to do that I wouldn’t know. They kept him awake all night at the hospital, apparently to keep him from slipping into a coma. Then they operated on him for 2½ hours to save the eye. OBSERVATION: So what happened? They ran over a tape from a security camera, but it had happened just off-camera. And nobody was talking.

A Wife's HIV

A pretty young wife came to see me. She was dressed in a summer frock. She said that, when she got married, she had gone for an HIV test. She was negative. But recently, she had discovered that her husband was unfaithful (which he was -- he confessed to me). At about the same time, she developed symptoms of AIDS. She went for another HIV test, and she tested positive. I said, “Are you sure it couldn’t be you?” She said, “I am sure. I love him. There has been no one else.” OBSERVATION: What a tragedy. I told her that God has a personal plan for her, and in His wisdom it is perfect. 

Voice Of A ‘Husband’

In South Africa, there are very many single young mothers. An Education MEC (a provincial cabinet member) has said, "It is an alarming situation, and is unheard of." With this in mind, a minister may not seldom be the voice of a "husband" as it were, to those who are struggling to get through, alone -- whether it be with an infant or an older child or children. The minister is the man who can understand, be practical, be spiritual -- and be their champion when the need arises. Often there is no other such man in their lives. OBSERVATION: And it is a privilege to be that person. The challenges for single young mothers are great.

Medical Dictionary

There is a gift that a churchgoer gave me -- in one of those moments that stands out in my mind. He handed me a small, fat medical dictionary -- a brick of a book -- brand new. After that, he committed suicide. I didn't know that this was a final gift. As he gave it to me, he said, "These are all the things that can go wrong with you." It listed, alphabetically, thousands and thousands of things. OBSERVATION: I have wondered whether the thought of these things burdened him. Or, perhaps, his own sufferings at that time? Is one meant to think of the snares that might lie in wait? And yet we all do to some extent: we are all health conscious.

Self-Deception

I was talking to a psychologist friend today about self-deception. Here is an example from my counselling. I had a session with a man who got ABC Computers into XYZ Schools. He took a large payment from ABC Computers, and split it 50-50 with a Member of the Executive Council (an MEC, a provincial Minister), to connect ABC with the MEC, who got ABC into the schools. ABC Computers also gave them a whiz-bang computer each, as gifts. Then ABC told him that they wanted to gift him with an upgrade. He took the computer for an upgrade, and ABC confiscated it. He told me all this without any understanding that he was involved in corruption -- a striking example of blindness to one's own self. OBSERVATION: What he was worried about -- and why he came to see me -- was that ABC had confiscated his computer, which had all his data on it. This badly impacted his business.

‘We Both Take Drugs’

A young man came to see me in my vestry. He said that he took drugs -- and he looked the part. "Is it a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked. "It isn't a good thing," I said. He leaned onto my desk: "Reverend, do you take drugs? Mind-altering drugs?" "I suppose I do," I said, "It's a maintenance dose. I take it on prescription." "So, what's the difference?" he asked. "We both take drugs." OBSERVATION: What really distinguished me from the counselee, though, was that my drugs were safely prescribed by a doctor. His were not. His drugs were off the street.

Hard Deaths

Ministers are often called upon when a person is dying. I was just watching a video of a hospice nurse, speaking of "hard deaths". People say that death is beautiful, she said, but that is not always true. In my own experience, there may be a hard death because a person is suffering to death, or there may be a hard death because a person is terrified of dying. It is not always as one would expect, either. The reprobate may die in peace, while the saint may die in a complete panic. I am trying to think, but ... maybe a third, maybe half of deaths are "hard deaths".

A Sense of Peace

We had a couple in Church once who had four children without having married. But the gentleman concerned said to me that there was no sense of security in their relationship, and it worked deeply on his partner's spirit. That this was in fact so, he said, was confirmed when he decided to "do the right thing", and married her. When he did, a sense of peace descended on their home. OBSERVATION: This was a "good one", so I asked him to give his testimony in Church -- and he did.

More Than Conquerors

A businessman once called me from the Church, on his cellphone. He said, “I didn’t know where to run, so I ran to the House of God.” Our caretaker had let him in. I went to the Church to see him. His situation was dire, and he was exhausted. I said to him, “Where is your faith? How did you allow it so to decline? It is our most precious possession. Now you're in a panic! The Bible says that we are more than conquerors. We can lose everything, and still walk tall.” OBSERVATION: I spoke with him, and I prayed with him. He came out the other side just fine. I read today that he is "involved in international projects".

Expanded Visitation

Looking back over ministry, there is something I would change about visitation. Several times, I became aware of people who were distressed -- who had nothing to do with the Church -- who not long after that committed suicide. If I could do it again, I would expand my visitation to include such people. OBSERVATION: Spiritually and strategically, that makes sense for the Church, too -- going where the need is. However, that would likely take a lot of time away from member visitation. Would members be satisfied with that?

Counselees Who Are Drunk?

There is a question which many counsellors must have asked themselves: should I counsel someone if they are drunk? The answer is generally no, because of impaired cognition, and in some cases, a loss of safety. My own answer, however, has been yes -- on condition that one is not endangered, and that that person is not beyond reasonable communication. I have three reasons for saying yes: they may have more to talk about than they usually do, there may not be a better opportunity to talk, and I believe that people do remember many things when drunk. OBSERVATION: It is a different matter if the potential counselee is high on something. To get the idea, see boom.com.

‘She's Got Issues’

These days, people often come to a minister for counselling -- with only a shadow of a Christian background. Note that this is an "adult" post. A man came to see me for counsel. He said, "I bedded a woman I got to know. She then sat up on the edge of the bed and cried. I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had once been raped, and the memories had come flooding back to her. Reverend, she's got issues! She's more complicated than I thought! What shall I do?"

Prognoses

Doctors, these days, are very reluctant to give patients a prognosis -- far too reluctant, I would say. From one point of view, this is understandable, as the time of death is uncertain, and one can easily make a mistake. It is also an emotionally explosive issue. So people not seldom turn to the minister. I think of one woman in particular. She asked me how long she had left. I said she really couldn't rely on anything I said, and I told her why -- but "It could be six weeks, maybe three." She said: "That's a bit depressing." Then she told me she was getting better. She died four weeks later. OBSERVATION: I saw her a few times more before she died, and she thanked me again and again for my prognosis. It can make a big difference in people's lives, for good. I do not think it is good to withhold an opinion where one has some idea, and a patient wants to know.

Delicate Situations

Ministers may often be faced with delicate situations. I went to see a woman in hospital once, who was in a critical condition (she was in a coma). However, she was dressed only in a short blouse, and the rest of her was naked. What to do? I went to talk to the sister on duty. She said sorry, we can’t help, there is no linen in this hospital. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. Today my decision may be different -- but I went back to the patient's bedside and prayed with her. Then she died.

School News

Many members in my Churches have been involved in voluntary work. S volunteered as a school teacher. One Monday, she asked the children to report their weekend news. She called up a boy of about eight years of age, He said, “My father was shot dead on Sunday.” She immediately took him to the principal, to verify the story and find counselling for him. She returned to the class, and said, “Let us pray.” She said the class was seldom as quiet as it was during that prayer. S said to me, “It’s horrific, what they tell me in their news.”

POSTSCRIPT: Currently, there are 20+ gun deaths each day in South Africa -- about equivalent to gun deaths in the USA.

Seeing Things

There is a report on the BBC today: "As many as 80% of bereaved Americans and Europeans report seeing, hearing or feeling a close relative who has passed away". This is the first time that I have seen this in an impartial report -- but I have reported it before on this blog -- from my ministry experience. When one speaks of "seeing, hearing", this may mean, say, that the departed sat down to breakfast with you, and told you something important. OBSERVATION: I have quizzed people about such experiences, and they generally considered them real.

Broken Elbow

Yesterday afternoon, my nephew (son, in Xhosa kinship terms) broke his elbow. They took him to the Emergency Room (ER) at the local hospital, where he cried himself to sleep. The hospital said there were no doctors on duty. My sister-in-law waited there till early this morning, then took him home. This morning, he was screaming in pain. Around sunrise, the hospital called. There was someone on duty now. They took our nephew back to the hospital, where they put his arm in plaster. OBSERVATION: This is one of the better hospitals -- the best public hospital in George (about 300,000 inhabitants). Google AI comments, about breaks: "Immediate medical attention is crucial ... complications can range from minor to life-threatening". I know that from ministry, too.

POSTSCRIPT: The following evening they stripped off the plaster and operated.

Settle Your Mind

Here's some advice that I may give to people whose hearts are churning over some problem. Your heart may be churning a) over something that happened, or b) over what you should do -- or both! In the case of what you should do, settle your mind on a way forward, and follow that path. Part of the churning may be due to the fact that you are not settled on a way forward, practical and spiritual. OBSERVATION: Often, advice is the first step.

Denial of Death

Denial is a very powerful delusion -- which is to say, the denial of death. I have dealt with this several times in ministry. Typically, a person may have received a terminal diagnosis, they may be in catastrophic decline, or it may be obvious to me as minister that the writing is on the wall. Yet they claim that they are getting better. OBSERVATION: With denial, I typically don't resist it -- however, I do drop advice which should be useful as soon as people "wake up" -- because they do. It makes one wonder what other powerful delusions we may be under, as humans.

Overdose

A young woman took an overdose -- yet lived to tell the tale. She told me what a complete #@&! her lover had been -- and no doubt she was right. I said: "What about you? Don't you have a few things to apologise to God for?" She said: "Me? Like what? It was him who messed it all up!" I said: "Let's start with the overdose. You don't think you need to apologise to your Maker?" She was quiet.